Is this abuse or did I deserve it?

Moving on from a rocky start in January into the new month of February…

You would think from my last post I would have lots of new positive things to share with you. But sometimes, life just doesn’t happen that way. Sometime’s life wants to test you, make you feel your worst fears. Sometime’s life wants to make you think you have hit rock bottom, but throws another obstacle at you creating a new rock bottom until it becomes bottomless. That is me. Right now.

I have been seriously considering whether I should post this blog or not but here goes. Now I don’t mean to hype this up, but just two nights ago did I have physically one of the worst nights of my life which has left me emotionally and mentally scarred. As it will come to no surprise, me and J had encountered yet another argument (I know. The relationship is toxic and I should leave him…I’ve watched Jeremy Kyle too). But this…this was a whole new level. (If you don’t know, read my first blog to gain some context) As the argument escalated, I attempted to flee my room to find safe haven in the kitchen, some space to breathe and calm down. I was barricaded by J’s arm. No matter how much I persisted to move forward, he would not back down. Now being the feisty, small but loud mouthed girl that I am, I stepped up my game and physically attempted to move his hands out of my way. In retaliation, J also stepped up his game; I tried to push and elbow him out of my way, even pushing his face as I had felt he was invading my private space (we were in my room at the time and I had told him to leave) and he was stopping me from leaving. Just as we caught eyes, I could see a whole new version of J I had never seen before. Almost as if the devil had taken over him, a rage of fury and hatred eliminating what was once the most sweetest, loving boy I first met. That’s when he raised his left hand and slapped me across my face. Now that sounds pretty normal for such a vigorous argument. However, this slap was so hard I physically fell to the floor and was left with the right side of my face stinging. I gasped in horror as streams of tears dribbled down my face and crawled back in shock of what had just happened. I was terrified. I scrambled underneath my desk and tucked myself into the corner, hiding my face, sobbing.

Now, I won’t spare you with any further details, but here I was, continuing down this bottomless sea. No longer was I in the abyss, I was in the trenches. Alone. I left that episode questioning myself. Did I deserve this? Did I turn J into this? He was never like this before, but look what he has become… Being honest, this wasn’t J’s first physical altercation with me. However, this one stood out the most as the most horrifying and most malicious. No amount of sorry’s could fix this.

That’s what I thought at the time anyway. I have a few morals and beliefs I live by that I will share with you. I ALWAYS forgive, no matter what was done. Many will agree, just as many will disagree, but who am I to hold a grudge? ‘We’re all human,’ it’s a cliche but its true. So very true. People make horrible mistake’s but how do we expect people to learn from their mistakes or even understand them if we are constantly reminding them of their mistakes? I don’t hold grudges, I always forgive. Another one is hate, I don’t believe in hate. A message I share with anyone I meet is the unnecessary need to hate. Listen to the word – Hate. Its disgusting. It ruins lives, relationships and most importantly happiness. There is absolutely NO good that stems from that word so why would you want to associate yourself with that?. Having hate towards ANYTHING no matter the reason makes people seem bitter and upset with their own life. I won’t lie, I am upset with my life right now but what good is hating going to do? What will it achieve? Nothing but more negative feelings. Those are a few, maybe you will hear more in future blogs, who knows.

Regardless, I was left fearing for my life. On screen I sound as though as I am exaggerating but I can promise you I am not. Should I be terrified of the person I love? Surely that doesn’t seem right. After sitting in that corner wallowing in my pool of tears and snot I picked up the courage to walk past him to the bathroom. Yes J was still here. Sat on the bed. In shock. As if I had done something wrong. I couldn’t look at him, even when he apologised. Even though I don’t hold grudges, I didn’t believe he was sorry, he had done this before, just not as worse. We sat in silence until sunrise. I asked him to leave but he refused, again, because I was ‘suicidal.’ Ok Ok im acting like I wasn’t…I was. Extremely. But like I said, bottomless. Waking up the next morning I forgave him, but said it wouldn’t work, I couldn’t be with someone like that. Which brings us to yesterday. I’m too soft when I’m in love, so I’ll keep what happens next to myself, but we are on good speaking terms…for now.

What I really want from this blog is YOUR opinion. Please. I wasn’t lying when I was talking about positive approaches in my last blog, I am using this as an opportunity to reach out to my readers and maybe find some support, some help, people that listen. What advice would you give me? Did I deserve this? If so, how can I change for the better? Feel free to read, share and comment. I want people who have had similar experiences to branch out and feel comfortable enough to talk about this. I am. Even if you haven’t, your opinion is valued. I don’t want to be scared anymore, help me turn this awful start to February into something to look forward to. Show me there is a bottom to the sea and from there the only way will be up. I’ve tried convincing myself, but I seem to be stuck in a loop…

Thank you to those who do read this x