Category: Uncategorized

Is this abuse or did I deserve it?

Moving on from a rocky start in January into the new month of February…

You would think from my last post I would have lots of new positive things to share with you. But sometimes, life just doesn’t happen that way. Sometime’s life wants to test you, make you feel your worst fears. Sometime’s life wants to make you think you have hit rock bottom, but throws another obstacle at you creating a new rock bottom until it becomes bottomless. That is me. Right now.

I have been seriously considering whether I should post this blog or not but here goes. Now I don’t mean to hype this up, but just two nights ago did I have physically one of the worst nights of my life which has left me emotionally and mentally scarred. As it will come to no surprise, me and J had encountered yet another argument (I know. The relationship is toxic and I should leave him…I’ve watched Jeremy Kyle too). But this…this was a whole new level. (If you don’t know, read my first blog to gain some context) As the argument escalated, I attempted to flee my room to find safe haven in the kitchen, some space to breathe and calm down. I was barricaded by J’s arm. No matter how much I persisted to move forward, he would not back down. Now being the feisty, small but loud mouthed girl that I am, I stepped up my game and physically attempted to move his hands out of my way. In retaliation, J also stepped up his game; I tried to push and elbow him out of my way, even pushing his face as I had felt he was invading my private space (we were in my room at the time and I had told him to leave) and he was stopping me from leaving. Just as we caught eyes, I could see a whole new version of J I had never seen before. Almost as if the devil had taken over him, a rage of fury and hatred eliminating what was once the most sweetest, loving boy I first met. That’s when he raised his left hand and slapped me across my face. Now that sounds pretty normal for such a vigorous argument. However, this slap was so hard I physically fell to the floor and was left with the right side of my face stinging. I gasped in horror as streams of tears dribbled down my face and crawled back in shock of what had just happened. I was terrified. I scrambled underneath my desk and tucked myself into the corner, hiding my face, sobbing.

Now, I won’t spare you with any further details, but here I was, continuing down this bottomless sea. No longer was I in the abyss, I was in the trenches. Alone. I left that episode questioning myself. Did I deserve this? Did I turn J into this? He was never like this before, but look what he has become… Being honest, this wasn’t J’s first physical altercation with me. However, this one stood out the most as the most horrifying and most malicious. No amount of sorry’s could fix this.

That’s what I thought at the time anyway. I have a few morals and beliefs I live by that I will share with you. I ALWAYS forgive, no matter what was done. Many will agree, just as many will disagree, but who am I to hold a grudge? ‘We’re all human,’ it’s a cliche but its true. So very true. People make horrible mistake’s but how do we expect people to learn from their mistakes or even understand them if we are constantly reminding them of their mistakes? I don’t hold grudges, I always forgive. Another one is hate, I don’t believe in hate. A message I share with anyone I meet is the unnecessary need to hate. Listen to the word – Hate. Its disgusting. It ruins lives, relationships and most importantly happiness. There is absolutely NO good that stems from that word so why would you want to associate yourself with that?. Having hate towards ANYTHING no matter the reason makes people seem bitter and upset with their own life. I won’t lie, I am upset with my life right now but what good is hating going to do? What will it achieve? Nothing but more negative feelings. Those are a few, maybe you will hear more in future blogs, who knows.

Regardless, I was left fearing for my life. On screen I sound as though as I am exaggerating but I can promise you I am not. Should I be terrified of the person I love? Surely that doesn’t seem right. After sitting in that corner wallowing in my pool of tears and snot I picked up the courage to walk past him to the bathroom. Yes J was still here. Sat on the bed. In shock. As if I had done something wrong. I couldn’t look at him, even when he apologised. Even though I don’t hold grudges, I didn’t believe he was sorry, he had done this before, just not as worse. We sat in silence until sunrise. I asked him to leave but he refused, again, because I was ‘suicidal.’ Ok Ok im acting like I wasn’t…I was. Extremely. But like I said, bottomless. Waking up the next morning I forgave him, but said it wouldn’t work, I couldn’t be with someone like that. Which brings us to yesterday. I’m too soft when I’m in love, so I’ll keep what happens next to myself, but we are on good speaking terms…for now.

What I really want from this blog is YOUR opinion. Please. I wasn’t lying when I was talking about positive approaches in my last blog, I am using this as an opportunity to reach out to my readers and maybe find some support, some help, people that listen. What advice would you give me? Did I deserve this? If so, how can I change for the better? Feel free to read, share and comment. I want people who have had similar experiences to branch out and feel comfortable enough to talk about this. I am. Even if you haven’t, your opinion is valued. I don’t want to be scared anymore, help me turn this awful start to February into something to look forward to. Show me there is a bottom to the sea and from there the only way will be up. I’ve tried convincing myself, but I seem to be stuck in a loop…

Thank you to those who do read this x

Beginning my 2019

Well its 04:14 and I am currently sat in the library trying to distract myself from the current situation I am in right now. 2019 was supposed to be a new start, a fresh start, one where I actually fulfilled my New Years resolution, which sounds quite sad so maybe I won’t tell you…Well nobody is actually going to read this so I may as well just tell you; I was hoping to make some friends. Actual friends. Friends I could rely on. Do you know what I mean? Don’t get me wrong, I have two amazing friends back at home who I know I can always rely on. But, as a freshers not only to the University, but to the city and it’s people too, its hard not to feel lonely when your friends are in another city and no one is here.

I paused for a brief few minutes. I’m just realising how lonely this world really is, the only people who are listening to me is this computer screen..I guess technology really is taking over the world huh? Well, back to the topic. Why am I writing a blog now? (I’m asking myself that) I was recently ‘diagnosed with Anxiety and Lowered-mood’ but I ask myself if that’s just all bullshit? of course it is. There’s no such thing, well I would be naive to say there isn’t but I don’t believe I have those. I was going through a lonely phase and my former boyfriend pretty much dragged me to see the doctor. He claimed and I quote, ‘I can’t deal with you, you can’t just talk to me, talk to other people.’ Quite ironic seeing as I had no friends right? Anyway, I decided to give it a try for his sake as i started feeling like I was burdening him with my bullshit and so of I went. Funnily enough, she advised me to try opening up to people close to me, which I had tried doing with him. Whether he couldn’t be bothered dealing with my crap or chose a poor choice of wording to how he felt we will never know. I bet you’re thinking, well she say’s she has no friends, but she has her boyfriend. TRUE. very true. True to the extent I relied on him to listen to me in the dark times, too true that eventually it broke us apart which has brought us today.

I made 2019 a new start where I would make new friends, me and my then boyfriend would work through our problems and I would get a head start for the next semester. I even got a job for Christ’s sake, I was getting my shit together and I was pretty damn proud of myself. I even cut my hair. (I would show you a picture but I’m pretty new to this and I have no idea how to insert one. God I sound old, I’m only 18 which makes it worse.) Regardless, the year got of to an amazing start, I got my exams done, I was earning extra cash, me and J (easier than saying former boyfriend every time) were back on track and I was reconnecting with a few early friendships I had made at the start of the first semester. Over time, I would stop getting texts back from these ‘friends’, me and J would argue over and over again about the same things, I was behind on my next assignment due two weeks later. The cycle was just repeating, I kept thinking to myself, whats the point. I know nobody will read this so I can lay my cards on the table, I had so many nights where I wanted to end it. ‘It’ as in my LIFE. I’m not looking for sympathy as every person who goes through this says, because its true, we don’t want sympathy. I had a bad stage where I would cut myself, because nothing was getting better, every new thing I was trying to make my life better wasn’t working. No one wanted to be friends with me, J didn’t want to listen, A lot of the times, I would run out of an argument between me and J because I wanted to jump, I wanted to drown, I just wanted to go. Even when I leave crying, I don’t hear from him until an hour later. I don’t want sympathy, I WANT SOMEONE WHO CARES. i want someone to listen. i want someone who won’t pass me on to other people because they don’t want to deal with my problems. Isn’t that what we all want?

J was supposed to be that person, every time I would tell him this, he would ask me why I was with him in the first place. because I believe in you? in us? for you to change for the better which will help me change for the better? It always ended in an argument. uhh. It’s now 04:41, I am drained. I’ve spent the last few hours arguing with J until it was ended, it won’t be the last we hear from him..I’ll keep you updated don’t worry. I’m not going to go into depth about the arguments today, but all I can say is I’m fed up. I really don’t know what to do anymore BUT one positive i gained from 2019 was that I stopped cutting myself. SO, with this in mind I can only try to move forward, try to stay on top of my studies, try to keep on making new friends and that leaves us to the end of my first post.

Writing a blog has helped me. A lot. instead of venting all this upset, hurt and anger, I have released this into some digital pixels on a screen which doesn’t hurt mine or anyone else’s feelings. SO, be prepared, I will definitely be back, lets hope its with more positivity.