Beginning my 2019

Well its 04:14 and I am currently sat in the library trying to distract myself from the current situation I am in right now. 2019 was supposed to be a new start, a fresh start, one where I actually fulfilled my New Years resolution, which sounds quite sad so maybe I won’t tell you…Well nobody is actually going to read this so I may as well just tell you; I was hoping to make some friends. Actual friends. Friends I could rely on. Do you know what I mean? Don’t get me wrong, I have two amazing friends back at home who I know I can always rely on. But, as a freshers not only to the University, but to the city and it’s people too, its hard not to feel lonely when your friends are in another city and no one is here.

I paused for a brief few minutes. I’m just realising how lonely this world really is, the only people who are listening to me is this computer screen..I guess technology really is taking over the world huh? Well, back to the topic. Why am I writing a blog now? (I’m asking myself that) I was recently ‘diagnosed with Anxiety and Lowered-mood’ but I ask myself if that’s just all bullshit? of course it is. There’s no such thing, well I would be naive to say there isn’t but I don’t believe I have those. I was going through a lonely phase and my former boyfriend pretty much dragged me to see the doctor. He claimed and I quote, ‘I can’t deal with you, you can’t just talk to me, talk to other people.’ Quite ironic seeing as I had no friends right? Anyway, I decided to give it a try for his sake as i started feeling like I was burdening him with my bullshit and so of I went. Funnily enough, she advised me to try opening up to people close to me, which I had tried doing with him. Whether he couldn’t be bothered dealing with my crap or chose a poor choice of wording to how he felt we will never know. I bet you’re thinking, well she say’s she has no friends, but she has her boyfriend. TRUE. very true. True to the extent I relied on him to listen to me in the dark times, too true that eventually it broke us apart which has brought us today.

I made 2019 a new start where I would make new friends, me and my then boyfriend would work through our problems and I would get a head start for the next semester. I even got a job for Christ’s sake, I was getting my shit together and I was pretty damn proud of myself. I even cut my hair. (I would show you a picture but I’m pretty new to this and I have no idea how to insert one. God I sound old, I’m only 18 which makes it worse.) Regardless, the year got of to an amazing start, I got my exams done, I was earning extra cash, me and J (easier than saying former boyfriend every time) were back on track and I was reconnecting with a few early friendships I had made at the start of the first semester. Over time, I would stop getting texts back from these ‘friends’, me and J would argue over and over again about the same things, I was behind on my next assignment due two weeks later. The cycle was just repeating, I kept thinking to myself, whats the point. I know nobody will read this so I can lay my cards on the table, I had so many nights where I wanted to end it. ‘It’ as in my LIFE. I’m not looking for sympathy as every person who goes through this says, because its true, we don’t want sympathy. I had a bad stage where I would cut myself, because nothing was getting better, every new thing I was trying to make my life better wasn’t working. No one wanted to be friends with me, J didn’t want to listen, A lot of the times, I would run out of an argument between me and J because I wanted to jump, I wanted to drown, I just wanted to go. Even when I leave crying, I don’t hear from him until an hour later. I don’t want sympathy, I WANT SOMEONE WHO CARES. i want someone to listen. i want someone who won’t pass me on to other people because they don’t want to deal with my problems. Isn’t that what we all want?

J was supposed to be that person, every time I would tell him this, he would ask me why I was with him in the first place. because I believe in you? in us? for you to change for the better which will help me change for the better? It always ended in an argument. uhh. It’s now 04:41, I am drained. I’ve spent the last few hours arguing with J until it was ended, it won’t be the last we hear from him..I’ll keep you updated don’t worry. I’m not going to go into depth about the arguments today, but all I can say is I’m fed up. I really don’t know what to do anymore BUT one positive i gained from 2019 was that I stopped cutting myself. SO, with this in mind I can only try to move forward, try to stay on top of my studies, try to keep on making new friends and that leaves us to the end of my first post.

Writing a blog has helped me. A lot. instead of venting all this upset, hurt and anger, I have released this into some digital pixels on a screen which doesn’t hurt mine or anyone else’s feelings. SO, be prepared, I will definitely be back, lets hope its with more positivity.